Millenniite creativity

At this low point I think the only creativity I’m capable of is destruction, video clips and ads. And this isn’t something trivial or confined to me. I think that’s the base level creativity Millennium generationers have.

Personifying God

I guess I believe in God now because I’m feeling the spirit of the Universe in a more personal way. I can understand the need to personify it. I feel apologetic and like I’m asking for favours.

Spelling and memory

My spelling ability was a function of my semi-photographic memory. I’d see the word, often in a particular font, and then write it down. I could never spell out loud. Somehow the language thing interferes with the image recall thing.

Instinct + reason dialogue

Instinct and reason have to have a muted discussion, each relaxing to allow the other to have a go when defining arbitrary things. Eg sections of a whole eg astrological constellations. Early on, instinct was the blind drive, even long after rational consciousness appeared. We stagnated, hence the pent up explosion of blinkered rationality in the past few hundred years.

Hand-kiss scene and dissociation

Think of the bit in Fight Club where Tyler makes the Narrator stay with the pain of the hand-kiss as an emblem for my anti-dissociation tactic of holding on to here and now and actual surroundings.

More on trauma songs

Part of my trauma song feeling is a thing involving flashbacks to times I felt slightly up, hopeful, full of plans, interested in the world and the future, etc. Going back to hopeful times before falls is painful - the painful feeling of disappointment, loss, time flying without hopes / pretastes of happiness bearing fruit, the feeling that life is periods of sadness and struggle in between times of hope and perspective.

Noradrenaline, wanting people to believe

My wanting people to believe me, being scared of not being believed, is related to not being listened to, not having my worries acknowledged to be legitimate. The impact was harder because of reward-dependence in low NA people.

Consciousness, sympathetic nerve system

I was just singing while fucking with my posture and breath and got the distinct insight in one hit (like when I was manic, like it’s given by the spirit of the Universe intuitively) that unconsciousness is connected to the basics of singing, the strong backbone of the voice, the resonance, the thing I’ve never been able to get into my voice. When my consciousness intrudes I start losing it, but personality pushes into my voice. I can balance it, and the equilibrium is just a bit of consciousness with a lot of unconsciousness.

I got the words in my head that it’s about sympathetic/para-sympathetic nervous systems (I don’t know which is which). My nerve system that’s involuntary is hindered by my voluntary one being too turned on. Correlating to my excess of consciousness / right-brain activity in ADD.

Chemical names accessibility

How impossible is it to read psych stuff with all those big words? Especially when you have to know 3 words for a drug: real name, American brand name, Australian brand name. I have to popularise some simple names to make it all more accessible.

Photo hemisphere stuff

My right side (left brain) always looks mature and quite similar throughout the years. My left side (right brain) in photos looks alternatively mischievous, manic, seductive, depressed, bitter. Hmmm.

Sting’s song maturity thing

I watched a doco about him once and he said songs used to mark specific places in time for him and that stopped. He considered the dispersion of time-awareness of songs to be a sign of maturity. Maybe that’s where I’m headed with my trauma song project.

Prescriptions on wheels

I should put ads in the paper to get people’s prescriptions for them from the chemist for free for people who’ve run out and are in catch-22 mode. "Pills on wheels."

Dissociation and cure by mania

I seem to get insights into people’s true motives when manic. There can be an element of paranoia in it, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m psychically reaching their unconscious desires that they don’t even know. Usually it’s negative stuff. The reason for this is that my depression causes / is caused by / involves dissociation/denial. And removal of denial usually delivers you the kind of grotty animal instinct base desire kind of stuff that goes on underneath.

Psychotherapist powertrippers

Giving psychotherapy without drugs is immoral. You blame the patient for faulty thinking and try to correct it instead of treating the physical problem.

It’s sadistic. Like treating a patient with a broken leg and not fixing it or giving crutches and making them come into your office every month and make them talk about the pain, the different ways they walk, how the pain is affecting the rest of their lives. You prod their leg and ask them to tell you about the pain’s qualities. You probably get a boner while you’re hearing about the pain.
And then to cap it all off you have the sheer totalitarian arro

gance and disrespect to reach into the mind of the patient and tell them how to think about the leg. Replacing their myths with your own. Complete act of sadistic domination.

Maybe it’s like this:

Genes account for 90% of mental problems, but then mental events can rewire, especially traumatic early events. We actually have massive mental power over the matter in our brains, but usually we don’t know how to do it. Traumatic events wreak big physical damage because trauma is so intense. We need to learn to have intense positive mental events to rewire.

Withdrawing your spirit

Part of what I’ve done is kind of dissociatively effaced my feeling of self in a borderline type way to avoid pain. It involves retracting my self-energy up into my head and eyes. I have less connection to my body but it often makes it more sensitive. It’s the feeling like when you worry about someone you love going through something, but when you go through it yourself you worry much less. You have a perverse faith in the protective barrier that is your contraction of self. The person you love going through pain is more real the you are.

Compromise re consciously directing evolution while respecting brain styles

I don’t know if I’d like this, but here’s an option: We can give in to the way society is mutating and consider brain styles that don’t fit in to be undesirable and so not fix society to reintegrate them, but just make things comfortable for them (but not too comfortable) with medication etc.