Fucked up

I’m having this thing where I’m so depressed that I wanna die and deprive the world of me and my talents unless it sends me a rescue package with no conditions attached coz I’m so not up to anything and I’m so not impressed with the world’s behaviour. New levels of fuckedupness! That’s like a fusion of suicidal ideation, messiah complex and borderline abrogation of responsibility / threat of termination of relationships / handsome prince syndrome. A unique blend of insanities. I could sell it as art.

Impulsiveness/inertia thing

I really wanna go out and get a barometer now. I was just looking at my list of things to get today I wrote last night and wanted to stay home. Last night though I really wanted books on rastas and physics. I have to channel the impulsiveness/inertia issue. Make intuitive split-second decisions on whether I’m going to follow a drive through and then actually do it right away. Better than jumping in without a guiding principle, and better than losing it all in analysis and staring at the wall for hours.

Air pressure and moods

I have to see if the El Nino has any effect on my life. And I have to buy a barometer and see if my moods change with it.

Poor me

It would actually be an easy solution right now if I developed lung cancer from pot and got to euthanase myself after a whirlwind sympathy extravaganza.

Conceiving mental problems

Saying to yourself that you have a mental problem lets you ignore the problem and deal with it but also can make it self-fulfilling. So instead of saying “I’m anxious right now” you can say something like “I’m being pulled by an anxious influence right now”. Which leaves open the concepts of degree of problem, temporariness of problem, separation of self from problem and ability to fight problem while still acknowledging it = empowering.

Finishing

Sometimes it’s like I can’t finish a whole life off just like I can never get anything finished.