Self-destructive thing

It’s weird but I have this weird thing where if I can’t do something, I don’t bother trying, but if I can do something well I either don’t do it at all or make it as hard as possible for me to succeed. Eg smoking pot is gonna be a massive burden. But I’m sitting here right now not really needing it that much, but wanting to whack myself out to add an extra challenge to the day’s schedule. How retarded.